“The only thing consistent is inconsistency”.  My husband and I coined this phrase 7 years ago when he left patrol for a full-time swat position. It has now become our family motto.  It never ceases to amaze me how unsettling this lifestyle can be. Just when I think I’ve figured it out, just when I think I have all of the tools and all of the motivation…I find myself maxed out and stretched well beyond my limits.  Like most supporting spouses, I love the good ole’ illusion of control. Structure makes me feel safe. Predictability helps me keep all of my bases covered. If you’re familiar with the Gallup StrengthsFinder, Consistency is number 34 of 35 on my list. To explain that bluntly, I’m terrible at being consistent…in anything.  In my daily life, I have found two things that help me circumvent my lack of consistency: Personal accountability, and Routine (Not to be confused with a schedule). But what’s a girl to do when my number one personal accountability partner is absent and his service-filled lifestyle bombs my best effort to establish a routine?!  Answer: scream and beat the tar out of a punching bag, cry, throw up and then watch Sleepless in Seattle all at 3 am.  In all seriousness, I can tell you that when I am at my worst and overloaded with the waves of sabotage this lifestyle hurls at me,I quickly reach for change as an answer. “If only we could just quit.” “If only we could have a normal life.”  My perspective focuses inward and my expectations become unrealistic. What exactly am I wanting? If I’m honest…I’m longing for a life free of suffering, pain, and hardship.  I want things to be easy…I want them to be the way I dreamed they would be when I was a little girl fantasizing about home and life and marriage.  When things get hard, I want solutions. I grasp at ways to control and when I can’t seem to find them, I turn to self-pity and resentment.  But what if I choose a different lens? Life doesn’t turn out the way we dreamed or even the way we think it should go. But what if that’s okay? What if we stop trying to get rid of the things that disappoint us and instead hold them alongside moments of joy? What if I told you that your marriage could get better BECAUSE of the hardship the job brings?  It is in the darkness of life that our senses can sharpen. We can learn to listen more closely, love more deeply, laugh more heartily. It is because of the hardships we can grow into something beautiful.  So what can I control?  I can control my emotions, my actions, and my words.  Controlling my emotions doesn’t mean not feeling them. It actually means I need to be aware of them.  Controlling my words doesn’t mean I don’t speak up. It means I need to figure out ways to communicate clearly, and kindly what is true.  Controlling my actions doesn’t mean putting all my wants and desires on the back burner. It means making wise choices with my time and recognizing the season of life I’m in.  Growth never comes without pain. Sometimes forging a new path or creating better habits involves the exposing and tearing down of old ones. Sometimes, to gain deeper intimacy, we must confront hard truths.  Rather than seek to anesthetize the discomfort, let’s seek to hold it, sharpen the senses in our marriages and be better for it. ….and still punch a punching bag every now and then.  

Are blogs dead? That’s the question we’ve been asking at Lifegiver recently. And honestly, I don’t know. More than that, I’m not sure I’m the best one to answer that question. You see, I am a lover of all things old. Antique furniture, pioneer ways, run-down farm homes…if it’s old and decaying I love it. Lately, I have found myself feeling so nostalgic. From longing for my old hip hugger flares, to missing 90’s wispy big barrel bangs, my heart aches for the past.  I’m sure in some way or another, after these last two years, yours does too.  I remember the good ol’ days, before social media really took off, I would sit and read mommy blogs while nursing babies in the middle night. I laughed. I cried. I felt seen and known in the midst of postpartum depression and spit-up sweatpants. But somewhere in the spinning, rushing world of technology and progress those blogs faded away. In their place came to the point, how to’s. Quick, concise, consumption. Sure it was nice for a while, and those type of blogs still have their place, but what happened to conversation?  What happened to contemplation? Am I the only one tired of the echo chambers and quick fixes? Tired of everyone vying to give me as a consumer want I want versus what I need? Years ago, I was at the end of my rope with first responder life. It was 2016 and I remember googling “how to be a first responder wife”. You know what came up? Two things. The first, a to the point, three-step approach to packing lunches and getting sweat smells out of duty vests and the other, a very much drama-filled lament of a wife pining for the sound of Velcro in the middle of night so she could rest easy knowing her officer was home.  My first thought was “I can’t live like that” and so I trudged forward into the unknown of this life determined to not let it destroy everything around me.  When I look back and think of that woman, the one waiting for the Velcro, I can see past her lament now. Though her words were thick with theatrics, what she was really trying to communicate was that she just wanted to be seen. She, like myself and many others who have lived this life, was desperate for anyone to see how hard this life can be. How not normal it is and how very lonely and isolating it can all be.  Does anyone know what it’s like to “hope” you make it to retirement with your serving spouse?  Does anyone see how often I am alone, the sole bearer of consistency for our children?  Does anyone feel that even if we physically make it to the end of this career… who in the world will we be?  We may escape physical harm, but what the heck is this all doing to us psychologically and physiologically?? And mostly, does anyone know how to make a duty vest not smell of sweat?! First responder life is not for the faint of heart. Especially now. And even if blogging is dead, we as a community are behind the times anyway. For too long we have done this life alone, with little resource and little acknowledgment. We have been unseen.  My hope is that Lifegiver can breathe life back into the blogosphere,  Breathe life into the marriages of those who for too long have felt unseen and alone.  My hope is to bring contemplation and conversation to this lifestyle and offer more than any quick fix consumption could ever give.  Let’s not forsake the old and broken things, let’s breathe life back into them.