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Book Signing, Savannah, GA February 2017
Few authors get the opportunity to do book authors in a place like Barnes and Noble, so when I got the opportunity I was so excited. Savannah was the perfect place, too because Hunter Army Airfield was mentioned in Sacred Spaces as a key place that is dear to our hearts. Special thank you to Elva Resa Publishers for making this possible! -
3 Ways to Change Your Military Marriage Story (Military.com)
When I look back on the years of my military marriage, I see it as a bookshelf lined with memories.
The deployment years are a lot like survival stories. Reintegration seems like a classic drama. There are pages with hurt, volumes of joy, collections of happy and sad memories.
I must admit, when I feel sad, angry or entitled, I reach for “books” on our shelf that remind me of other times when I felt that way. I want to feel validated and maybe even fueled to win the next argument. “Remember this?” “Remember that?” “What about the last time you …”
… There’s no need to finish that sentence. We all know it never ends well. Meanwhile, my spouse is scrambling through the proverbial bookshelf trying to find even a short story to provide alternative evidence.
Some of you just take turns pulling down the hurts and reading them again and again. Arguments and tension tend to deceive us into thinking that our situation is horrible, when really we just need a reminder of who we are.
Military life can mean our bookshelves are often filled with separate memories and significant, defining moments. I call those moments “sacred spaces” because they are set apart.
Instead of coming back together, military reintegration often becomes a time to accumulate stories of hurt, stacking that bookshelf with plenty of ammunition we can return to later.
I want shared positive stories to be what defines my relationship, don’t you? More than that, I want stories of how we redeemed our marriage. I call those “shared sacred spaces.”
I’ve learned that if you don’t stock your bookshelf with as many positive shared sacred spaces as possible, you will have a hard time finding hope when you need it most.
During one reintegration, I listened as Matt shared his deployment stories. There were so many separate memories. The bookshelf was filling up with them. Reintegration was filled with sharing our most “sacred” or significant, stories while we had been apart. Although we did our best, we talked more than we listened. In our attempts to get on the same “page,” reintegration became, instead, a time to accumulate stories of hurt.
But how do you do fix that? How do you start plussing-up your marriage bookshelf? I can tell you it doesn’t happen accidentally. It’s not as hard as writing an actual book, but it definitely takes mindfulness.
Here are a few things I have learned:
Pursue. There is mystery and a quest to win someone’s heart in the dating years but, at some point, love matures and the pursuit must become more intentional — purposeful even. If you are at a place where you are holding out until your spouse pursues you, you are only collecting stories of failure. Be the first to pursue your spouse. Truly listen to her needs, the kind of date nights she wants. Even better, hold hands and look him in the eye while listening. Using three of your five senses will solidify your memory and help him feel heard.
Plan. Intentionally prioritize time with your spouse. I hear couples all the time talk about scheduling dates every week, but they never do so. Sure, it takes time. But scheduling something fun that engages as many of the five senses as possible will make for an evening your marriage will never forget. Dance lessons trump a dinner and a movie. I know the inconsistency of military life can make this a huge challenge, but if we aren’t focused on the time we have together, it will slip away.
Protect. Like a family photograph tainted with memories of bad attitudes and screaming toddlers (not that that ever happened to me), so it is with shared sacred spaces. If we aren’t protective, our efforts can easily be sabotaged. Demons of the past, minefields of the present, or simple miscommunication — something out there wants to see you fail. You must be proactive by setting up limits to what you will talk about or thoughts you choose to entertain. Shared sacred space moments are not a time to hash out what should be reserved for the counseling office or a family meeting.
But what if sabotage happens anyways? Try to reclaim it. Even a reclaimed sabotaged moment can make for a powerful memory of hope and resilience. In the midst of the tension, make every effort to intentionally think the best of your spouse.
Sometimes, Matt or I will reach for the other’s hand and just say, “I’m for you, not against you.” It is a gentle reminder that although we may be upset at each other in the moment, we believe the best in the other.
Forgiveness and grace go a long way. Our spouses are not perfect and never will be. The sooner we accept it, the easier it will be to forgive. Remind yourself of the many moments you have needed forgiveness yourself. The sooner we forgive, the sooner we will have grace to offer.
Redemption stories are the most powerful shared sacred spaces of all and will no doubt give you a truly great story to revisit from your shelf of memories.
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The Power of the ‘Sacred Space’ in Military Marriage (Military.com)
The gap between my husband and me felt as wide as the Grand Canyon. Desperate to give it clarity, we called each life-changing moment that had over time created it a “sacred space.”
Let’s be real. After my husband’s first deployment, we did not reintegrate well. Even though we communicated as best we could while apart and were proactive in preparing for his return, things were just not syncing between the two of us.
He had experienced major life-changing moments while he was in theater — battle, injuries, death — cementing a sacred bond with his Army brothers that I would never understand.
And no matter how hard he tried to describe those moments that forever changed his perspective on life and service, I just couldn’t embrace it. I wasn’t there. I could never really know.
Similarly, I had been stretched during that deployment beyond what I thought I could survive. No matter how much I tried to detail overcoming loneliness, despair, potty-training a tyrant, or figuring my way after a car wreck, he simply didn’t share the memory with me.
These experiences weren’t something we could just walk away from, ignore or rewind. They were multi-sensory and sacred, meaning that they were set apart from the normal everyday moments in life.
They changed the trajectory of our outlook on life, view of self, and even God. They took up a significant “space” in our story, or in this case, individual stories. Some of them were traumatic and alienating, some of them were beautiful moments of community or spirituality.
You Have a Sacred Space
You have experienced these kinds of events during those long separations war has brought us. You know what I’m talking about.
After one particularly nasty argument, my husband and I agreed that the root issue was that each of us deeply wanted to feel understood by the other. We wanted to be seen. We could never go back and be a part of those things that shaped us and pushed as apart, so something had to change.
Our new goal was to listen to each other, even when we couldn’t fully understand. By starting off with “this is a sacred space for me,” we accepted that the other didn’t have to fully “get it,” but at least they could respect it, hear it and tread lightly on the monumental thing. It was a revolutionary decision in our military marriage.
I have introduced the “sacred spaces” terminology to many people since writing my book of the same title, and what I have found is that it universally describes moments in the human experience. Regardless of a person’s career path, we all desire to be understood. We all want someone to hear us, see us and know us.
A mother recently told me she finally realized that losing her child was a sacred space. She had been expecting everyone around her to grieve as she grieved. This new perspective allowed her to let go of that anger and find an inner circle of support that can better empathize.
A military spouse discovered that her resentment toward the marriage was not at her husband, but really toward her husband’s traumatic brain injury. It was an additional barrier to their attempts at communicating. She let go of her resentment as she wept tears of a new commitment to create more shared sacred spaces rather than focus on the separate ones.
It’s such a simple concept. It’s an acknowledgment that while we cannot go back in time, we can choose how we treat the past and what it has done to shape us and others. It’s not about tiptoeing around the hard stuff. It’s about seeing it for what it is — a sacred space — and knowing the real question is: Can I trust you to hold that sacred space?
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The Big Reveal: A Military Spouse Journey
Sacred Spaces and “Not Understanding”
It was the day before the packers were coming. I had spent every day for the last two weeks cleaning out drawers and rooms while the kids and my husband were out of the house. To say I was tired was an understatement. “I think we need to sit and talk”, my husband said. The kids were acting out and that was tempting me to act out. I was frustrated that everyone was not giving me their last bits of energy to complete my pre-move checklist. I was a week away from a trip that would take me across the world to experience deployment from a military spouse perspective. Christmas was three weeks away. Did I mention we were moving? Agreeing to go on this trip would mean that my husband would have to receive our household goods and handle the kids’ first week of transition on his own. I had been wearing myself out in an unconscious attempt at relieving my guilt for leaving.
“This is all part of the process.” Matt said, “I know you feel bad for leaving, but I will be fine.”
I was shocked. I didn’t think I was doing it out of guilt, or at least I wasn’t ready to admit it.
“These last minute tasks that you are stressing about are not worth it. You are leaving in a week, Corie. Think about it. You may know that you are going to be safe, but the only thing the kids know is that you are going to Afghanistan. We need to cut them a break. The priority doesn’t need to be the house at this moment.”
Great. Now there was no denying the guilt I felt for leaving- leaving in general, leaving during a move, leaving before Christmas.
He continued with a loving smirk, “If you are going to experience what it is like for a soldier, then take note. This is all part of the process.”
I paused. He was right. I sometimes hate when he is right. Up until this point, I had been more excited at the opportunity given me and working out the logistics of how to plan for a trip like this on such short notice. I hadn’t thought to pay attention to my own feelings of pre-departure.
So many times I have thought about how dual military couples understand each other. There are few experiences in the job that they don’t understand. They understand the paperwork that has to be filled out for leave and the procedures in the field. Military spouses rarely have a glimpse into the world of a service member. We might see office life while they are home, ruck marches on post, and even listen to gun fire at the firing ranges from our backyard. Yet, somewhere along the way, I had resolved that I would just not understand a lot of my husband’s career, and maybe I was okay with that.
Sure, it had caused problems during reintegration. I had my moments during the deployment that took every bit of courage, grit, and independence to get through and there was no way he could have understood that. He had zipped his friends up in body bags and there was definitely no way I could understand that. After many arguments that were more about wanting to be heard, we had resolved to just respect those places as sacred spaces. There was no way one experience could compete with the other and we resolved to not fully understand those life changing moments our other half went through. So we would live in respect to them.
When I think about whether or not accepting “not understanding” negatively affected our marriage, at first I say no. Sacred spaces provided terminology for significant moments in our lives. Allowing each other to have sacred spaces provided neutral territory to say “I’ve been through something so big that I’m different because of it. I can’t change that. But I need you to tread lightly when I talk about it. You can’t fix it and we definitely can’t ignore it.” I had learned to ask questions when he zoned out. If he opened up, I would try to be protective around the rest of his day.
So in some ways, these “unshared experiences” had matured us and brought us closer. I was more confident because of my sacred spaces, knowing I could do “anything” on my own if I had to. He embraced the fullness of life. I thought we were better people because of this military lifestyle. Better because we chose to implement a phrase my counseling professor once taught me, “everything is
grist for the mill.” Grist was corn that was often taken to a mill to be ground into flour, meaning every part of it was usable for profit. In our life, it meant that no matter what we went through individually or together, we would choose to eventually bring good out of it. But now, I was beginning to wonder, what could be the harm to having so many sacred spaces?
A few months back, Kate the Editor and Chief of Military Spouse Magazine was blowing up my phone while I was in the school carpool line. “Call me right now! You aren’t going to believe this!” she texted. The anticipation was killing me. The almost daily adrenaline spikes of change and opportunities since being awarded the 2015 Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year were less shocking now, but my adrenal gland was definitely waning to keep up. The Secretary of Defense office had called asking for a military spouse to accompany the Secretary overseas for his Holiday Tour to visit troops. Kate told them I was perfect for the job as MSOY and a clinician who fights for military marriages. The DoD recognized that they had never taken a military spouse overseas to see what it is like for troops. I would get to fly in Secretary Ash Carters plane and be a correspondent for the magazine. Kate being a military spouse too, freaked out with me over the brevity of the opportunity. Secretary Carter?!?! This is like… the main guy! The main guy over all the branches of the military… who reports to the President! And the plane… if the President gets in this same plane that they are inviting me on, it is AirForce One. I admit I had a lot of Googling to do.
As my kids got in the car, they over heard my gasps of shock.
“What!? Did something bad happen?” they asked. Coming quickly back to reality, I hung up with Kate and had to tell them the truth, “You can’t tell anyone right now though, okay boys? In order to keep things very safe, no one- not even your friends or teachers can know yet.” I thought about what a heavy burden that must have been to give them.
“That makes me want to cry” my eleven year old, Aidan said.
“Oh honey, they wouldn’t take Mommy anywhere that would be unsafe.”
“No,” he interrupted, “The idea of you visiting those troops around Christmas and telling them “Thank you”. That is such a great opportunity it makes me want to cry.”
In that moment, my eleven year old put perspective on my mission and cast vision for me. All my fear that this lifestyle was ruining my children was for a moment replaced with pride that they were “getting it”.
Two days later, I joined a call with the Secretary’s office and the magazine to cast strategy on the trip. My goal, thanks to my son and my passion for marriages, was to make my experiences overseas meaningful to the 1.1 million military spouses who were not able to go. I know service members do their best describing everything from the gym to the DFAC, but perhaps I could aim to say it in a way that filled in the gaps. I told the Secretary’s office the number of times I had pictured something my husband had described only to realize how off I was when he shared the same story at a dinner party with friends. Extra details would come out, I explained, and I would suddenly discover that the images I created were simply that.
As a reference to how meaningful this experience could be to families, I told about the time our brigade chaplain took the FRG leaders and me to the field for the day during our first duty station. We got to walk into the TOC (Tactical Operations Center) and see the computer monitors, drink bad coffee, stand by heaters, and eat MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat) in the makeshift DFAC (Dining Facility). I had never eaten an MRE in the field before and was encouraged to learn how to warm meals were possible. We watched as the soldiers performed their dress rehearsal for deployment by playing what looked like laser tag in the field. When a soldier went down, the medics came over and did their job from beginning to end. That day was huge for me, I told the Secretary’s office. That brigade chaplain provided a picture that would stay with me during the deployment. It reduced my anxiety on so many things that you would think don’t matter. But when my husband said he would be spending the day in the TOC, I knew he was safe, warm, and informed.
A grueling week later, we finally heard the trip was a go, pending some world event that could interrupt it. I spent a majority of my time calming my anxiety by running and taking supplements to communicate to my adrenal gland that I still wished to be friends. My strategy was to make the trip as multi sensory as possible. I noted how misunderstanding increases the fewer of the five senses are being used during communication especially in marriage. If I could write about what I saw, felt, smelled, and touched each day perhaps I could bring comfort to others. Each night, I would record a raw video journal of my reflections of the day and post it to my Youtube Channel and my Lifegiver Military Spouse Podcast. The Secretary’s office loved it.
As I looked into my husband’s eyes, this evening before the chaos of relocating, my emotions flooded me. I had been in survival mode for a long time, even before news of this trip. I had been checking things off my to do list and getting through each day. We had bought me boots, a jacket, and even pants from the Army surplus store that would be suitable for visiting Iraq and Afghanistan. I had stressed through outfits, visas, and passports but I hadn’t thought about what this really meant for the #TeamWeathers (as we called ourselves). Another parent was leaving for the Middle East and while my little ole’ week long trip couldn’t begin to compare to a deployment, you couldn’t tell my children that.
I took my husband’s advice and allowed myself to sit in the pocket of my thoughts and feelings. I felt guilty that I was leaving him to receive our household goods alone. The fact that my Dad had agreed to come physically replace me didn’t take away the feeling that I was abandoning my husband during a stressful time. I knew he would work himself to the bone trying to get rid of all the boxes by the time I would get home and I hated that I couldn’t stop him. I am normally looking out for changes in my kids behavior as they go through transition and I would miss the initial feelings of excitement and sadness as they entered in another new home. I would miss them visiting their first day at school and shyly saying hello to new teachers.
And yet, I felt the excitement of leaving on a new adventure. I was supposed to be on this trip, I had a complete peace about it. I am gifted at taking these kinds of experiences and using learned lessons to make a difference in marriages. I wanted to go. I wanted to stay. I wanted to run from the opportunity and choose family, just to prove it to them. I wanted to get on the plane because I was called to do it and set that example for my children.
I abandoned my checklist for the evening. “Let’s go get Chinese” I said to Matt. “You are right. We all need to hit a reset button.”
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Coming Back from the Silence
If you are looking for an inspirational story, this is it. Watch or listen to my interview with Lindsay Swoboda, a military spouse and new blogger. In this interview, she takes us into a difficult season of her marriage where she found herself feeling incredibly disconnected from her husband and decided to make an inspiring change. She took the Sacred Spaces Challenge and committed to pursuing her spouse in a new way for 365 days! She is currently the owner of the Uplifting Anchor blog where she encourages other military spouses in their everyday experiences. Find a link to her blog in the links above!
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Sacred Spaces Supplement Series (5 Parts)
Sacred Spaces 1: PTSD
Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage comes out August 1 and will be available where most books are sold (Barnes & Noble, Amazon, etc). In celebration of the launch, I wanted to do a podcast series called the Sacred Spaces Series. During this series, I will be talking about common themes our service members and spouses go through during deployments, separations, as well as reintegrations. There will be interviews with key people from the book that shared sacred spaces with Matt and I as well as those I met during the trip with the secretary of defense. There will also be an interview with Matt where we talk about how Sacred Spaces can make a difference in your marriage. So, what is a Sacred Space? I will talk about that in this episode, but here is an easy definition: Many of us, spouses and service members, experience Sacred Spaces separately during trainings and deployments. After a while, it can feel like we are living independent lives more than a together life. This creates many opportunities for misunderstanding and disconnect. In this episode, I wanted to talk about what you can do if your service member comes home with mild, moderate, or severe changes from deployment. I will also address how you can care for yourself so that you can give your best to your marriage. More than anything, I want your marriage to succeed. Because of that, I am inviting you to join the Sacred Spaces Campaign. The Campaign is simple, I just want you to be intentional in your marriage. Only you know what your relationship needs right now. Only you know what the next step is. The Sacred Spaces Campaign invites you to take three steps: 1. Order and read the book Sacred Spaces. It is my story of how being intentional made a difference in my marriage 2. Join the Sacred Spaces Campaign by committing to be intentional. You will get a FREE Sacred Spaces Intentional Marriage Challenge Commitment Card that will help you identify your intentional commitment, nail down the length of time you want to try it out, as well as encourage accountability to follow through. 3. Share your story. Our stories are powerful, and so will yours be. If your service member came home different… if your marriage is different… you are not alone.
Sacred Spaces 2: A Roundtable with 3-61
Sacred Spaces 3: Amanda Marr
We are in the middle of our Sacred Spaces Series on the Lifegiver Podcast and today’s interview is a special one. Those of you who have read Sacred Spaces will remember Amanda Marr as the Gold Star Widow I have the honor of serving back in 2009. One of my most Sacred Spaces from that deployment, Amanda joins me on the podcast to have an honest discussion on what it was like to receive notification of her soldier’s death, how she took care of herself, and her process to where she is now. This is an inspiring podcast for any listener. Amanda shares her honest thoughts on what makes a Care Team successful as well as tips she has learned about marriage now that she is remarried to an Army soldier. You will be empowered, encouraged, and gain new perspective on your own marriage. Amanda Marr (left), Maria Cordova, Corie Weathers, Venessa Adelson (Gold Star Mother) at White House Medal of Honor Ceremony If you have not read Sacred Spaces, order now! Hundreds are already talking about how my story of being intentional in my marriage is inspiring them to do the same. If you have enjoyed Sacred Spaces, I’d love to hear about it! Join the Sacred Spaces Campaign, by committing to be more intentional in your own marriage. It is simple and free and you will receive a FREE Commitment Card to help you walk through your commitment.
Sacred Spaces 4: An Update on Being Intentional
Today’s episode is unpolished and raw- well maybe not emotionally- but definitely unpolished. I want to give updates on how life has been since coming out with the book as well as how living intentionally has changed me as a person and my relationship. I will talk through how you can join the campaign and create lasting changing in your own marriage as well as exciting updates on interviews coming soon!
Part 5: New Vision and Questions Answered
It’s another episode of Lifegiver and I am here to announce some really fun changes and new updates. Some of you said you would love to have access to webinars and various forms of media, so today I am pleased to offer two versions of the podcast. Today is all about the new vision of Lifegiver and it shouldn’t be a surprise to most of you.
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Understanding ISIS
If we were honest, many of us would admit that we do not fully understand the current efforts against ISIS. Sure, I think we know the basics- many of which include how our own homes feel a little more vulnerable to the threat of terrorism more than 10 years ago. There is much debate on US involvement against ISIS, whether we should lead out in taking them down or even be involved at all. During my trip with the SECDEF, one of my favorite moments was watching the media have time with COL Steve Warren in Baghdad and Erbil, Iraq. COL Warren is the spokesman for Operation Inherent Resolve (OIR) in Iraq. What that means is that he is THE person that is responsible for helping all of us, including all American citizens understand what our US military is doing as ISIS continues to threaten the middle east. He is often seen on major networks (CNN, FOX News, NBC, etc) giving updates on the US-led coalition. Now I am willing to play the ignorant card and say there was so much I wasn’t paying attention to, including where some of our troops are in Iraq, what exactly their mission is, and what ISIS has been trying to do. I think I am not the only one. Most likely, you are more like me unless you are heavily involved with foreign policy. It was a huge wake-up call for me as I listened to COL Warren in Baghdad on how little I understood about how our news is made and how much I needed to do to educate myself. In this awesome interview, COL Warren gives some of his time to explain ISIS, Operation Inherent Resolve, and how we can support our troops over there. He has a great way of explaining the complex dynamics of this fight in a way that anyone can understand. Stay tuned to the end where you will hear his person “Shout Out” to all of you and how you can have powerful influence into your service member’s heart.
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Reversing Roles
After a whirlwind trip to the Middle East with the Secretary of Defense, Matt and I sit down just three days after I returned to talk about what the project was like for both of us. Although I hoped to make a difference in spouses’ understanding of their service members, I could not have anticipated how much Matt’s voice would also have an impact. Of course, I think he is amazing, but his perspective on what it was like to stay home while I was away resonated for so many military spouses. Here in our Reintegration Video, we discuss our thoughts together and answer questions you submitted on what it was like to reverse roles.
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Day 5: The Charles De Gaulle and USS Kearsarge
I had the most awesome day ever! I got to ride in a MH-53 Helicopter – like 4 times! I got to ride out to the Charles De Gaulle a French Aircraft Carrier Vessel in the Gulf. What’s funny is that the press that I was with was playfully arguing over whether it was the Persian Gulf or the Arabian, so we just agreed its best to call it the Gulf. The Charles De Gaulle was filled with mostly 2,000 French Navy and Marines which is significant in the current war on terror and our efforts to partner with our Allies. This trip was an opportunity for me to be part of history enfolding, watching policy and strategy in our Department of Defense. For the first time in history, the French have more than partnered, they have come up underneath the task forcing of America in order to complete the mission against ISIL. The Charles De Gaulle is part of the nightly air strikes on Syria and Iraq to push back ISIL. The french on board were so gracious and excited to greet us. They took us to their Officer Bar where we drank french coffee and marveled at the swanky bar. It was a beautiful ship in and out. I had the honor to speak with a French fighter pilot who is one of the service members helping us make a difference. We talked about how much he loves his job, the favorite part being his love of taking off on the aircraft carrier. He was also vulnerable about the pain of dropping bombs but that it is part of the mission. They were so excited to partner with America, that we had so much they could learn from. It was also a wonderful opportunity for me to see how international military families also have benefits and programming with help them with needs the family might have. The ship’s hangar was filled with French fighter aircraft and the Secretary made sure to thank them before we had to jump on the elevator, a huge platform that lifts you to the top deck. That was a fun ride, actually. We got on the helicopters and I was thankful for the crew chief of ours that once I told him who I was and what I was doing, took me under his wing. Everyone has been excited when they hear a spouse has come to see what things are like. They want to show me things, talk to me about what deployment is like and make sure I am where I need to be. True gentlemen and I know Matt appreciated their protective spirits. Honestly, though, most service members I have met- especially those who are married are like that. It’s built in them to be protective. I honestly was amazed at everything I saw today since it wasn’t my branch. The helicopters were smooth, fast, and I sat back and pictured them full of Marines going into a mission. I thought how I don’t think I would have wanted to be on the front line, maybe helicopters were the better way for me. But then I thought about how many of them take our service members past the front line into dangerous situations, and I pictured them sitting across from me as we flew over the water. I would go into danger if it meant bringing them home. Then it clicked why so many, when asked why they do it, say they want to take care of the one next to them. At the USS Kearsarg, another US aircraft carrier, we got to eat in the mess hall. It was a lot smaller than I thought. I was able to speak to two Marines there who were missing their wives and children for Christmas. Overall, talking to all the troops and seeing their eyes light up when they talk about what they love to do was the best. Like one General I spoke with at the end of the day said, “We are a volunteer force. People feel bad for us when we are deployed, but we get to do what we love.” That was a well made point. Here is my #PowerofMarriage for today: 1. Today, I was reminded of the power of purpose. We all need it and we all need the support of our spouse to do it. Whether it is being the best stay at home mom or working on our career, you were built for something and it usually is the thing that gets you most excited and ramped up when you get to do it. If your spouse doesn’t have that light in their eyes, talk with them and find out why. You have incredible influence into speaking life giving hope and support in your spouse. Don’t misuse that power by neglecting to use it. 2. Try to remember that the “long work days” that your deployed service member says is the reason that they cannot call really may be a long work day. On the ships I went on to, internet/computer time was limited to 30 min for some, leaving the phone the best option. This was the answer I got most often when I asked what spouses don’t understand “They can’t comprehend that we work sometimes all day.” 3. Taking care of yourself is more important than what you get done at home. With Matt and I reversing roles this week, I have seen him tired- all because he wants to make the house perfect for me. I can see now, from this side- that what I really want is for him to take care of him- sleep, exercise, and doing things that make him happy. Helping with the house when I get there will be easy. I wish I would have listened and thought he meant it.
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Day 4: Afghanistan, FOB Fenty
Today was emotional for me. Maybe it was the anticipation of knowing this day would resonate the most for me, maybe it was the jet lag. I only had 2.5 hours of sleep. There is a little bit of a lengthy backstory on why this was emotional and there is no way I can explain it all. If you read “The Outpost” by Jake Tapper, you would understand how Matt’s experience during that first deployment made this visit special. I think there is going to be a specific place (or couple of them) for a lot of military families where if it is meaningful to your spouse then it is meaningful to you. Today, FOB (Forward Operating Base) Fenty was the closest I could get to the story of 4th Brigade in 2009-2010, specifically our unit 3rd Squad 61st Cavalry. Fenty held one of the greatest commanders I’ve ever known, and that is from a family perspective. The Colonel (now General) Randy George led our troops through a very tough fighting season where we lost amazing soldiers killed in action. I assisted the senior wives in working with the Gold Star Widows back at home. While Matt wasn’t at Fenty very much, leadership that he will always hold in high esteem was. IMG 3350 copy When we first landed the E4-B in Bagram, I already felt emotional just to be in Afghanistan. We were only there long enough to switch planes. I took my own advice from yesterday and took some video of me transitioning. F-16s were racing down the runway as we walked. Service members on the tarmac were fully kitted up for extra security. I have never flown in a C-130 before and definitely not like we did today. It was screaming is all I can say. Rapid decent, sharp turns, and a fast landing. I can’t believe I haven’t been nervous once during this whole trip. With all the plane rides, landings, etc- I have felt very safe. window SecDef400We were only in the air 30 minutes. When we got off the plane, we did a quick photo with the Secretary and Mrs Carter for Military Spouse Magazine (hope it comes out- it was quick!). Then we were able to go to the USO there at Fenty where whey had Wi-fi. A forward operating base (in my spouse language) is kind of like the main base for the higher headquarters for troops that report back from other more remote places out there, especially in the mountains. You have a lot of remote places where our troops live where they have even less than what I saw in Erbil or here at Fenty. If you have ever seen the documentary Restrepo, this is the kind of area we are talking about. USOReginaI was surprised to see a USO there. I thought it was remote enough that it surprised me. Even more surprising was the sweet woman named Regina who is a USO worker who has lived out here for 5-6 years, just serving our troops. Can you believe that? I had no idea that we had USO workers embedded. I hugged her, teared up and said thank you for the service she provides. She has sacrificed a lot to do what she feels called to do. She brought me out to the memorial where I took a couple of pictures with my 4th ID shirt that Patty George (Gen George’s wife) made for us during the deployment. The troops there were amazing. They are with 10th Mountain Division, several of them scouts or advisors. Regina took me over to them so I could ask them some questions about their families. I think my 4th ID shirt broke the ice a little. When I asked if I could do something, one said, “You’re wearing a 4ID shirt, you can do whatever the hell you want to do.” When I asked what they wished spouses understood, they said that they feel that sometimes family doesn’t understand the sporadic schedule they have, how they can have hours one day to talk and other days can only send a text. Trying to explain what they are doing gets a little difficult too. Overall though, they said that things are better here at Fenty than they were even when we were there in 2009. Now they have stronger Wi-fi and have noticed that some of the younger soldiers stress more when the internet is “slow” when to them they may only be able to talk to his family three times in a deployment. Now he has a routine where he calls on the weekends. brave1 Brave2 One troop in particular told me this was is 6th deployment and that was hard on his wife. He took me to some of the buildings and showed me what a B-hut is. This was important to me because during a particular battle we had where we lost 8 soldiers they were living in a very remote location and had buildings like this, small shacks made of plywood and barbed wire underneath. Matt was right, it took some getting used to seeing everyone carrying their weapons, but I loved it. You don’t see soldiers carrying their weapons around on post, other than in ruck marches (at least that has been my experience). Most of the time they are using them on the firing ranges or the field away from family housing areas. When I went back in the USO, one soldier spent a considerable amount of time talking with me about how he and his wife have learned how to manage the emotions of deployment. For them, he said, they had learned to take advantage of the support system each of them had to vent so they weren’t venting on the phone. “Venting only makes me want to fix it, and I can’t. Neither can she fix mine” he shared. If they vent to others first, when they get on the phone they are able to then talk about everything else. Everyone seemed thrilled to see a spouse there. fentycallRegina said I could call Matt from the phones and I couldn’t resist. The guys there said it would be part of the experience for me. I knew I would be waking him up, but how many times did he call when he “could” and wake me up? I picked up the phone and dialed- I knew on his end it would read “Maryland” calling. “Chaplain Weathers”, he answered. “Guess where I am? I’m calling you from Fenty.” He woke up right away, kinda. I asked if he wanted me to let him sleep. “No, it is so good to hear your voice.” He put my son on the phone and I knew this was definitely a role reversal moment. The helicopters outside beat the air and I told I wished he could hear it. fentypress400Afterwards, the Secretary was doing a press conference with acting Afghan Defense Minister Masoom Stanekzai. Local Afghan journalists where attending as well. I will let you read up on some of the incredible press articles that came out from that conference to hear about policy, but to actually be present as one of our military leaders and one of theirs spoke together on their desired partnership to continue to build up the Afghan Army and listen with a translation ear piece was really cool. We walked to the hangar where the Secretary wanted to speak and thank the troops. Here are the tall cement walls that I also saw in Baghdad. The extra helicopters, state security, and troops guarding everything was to protect the Secretary. For some extra video, watch my Youtube video and you can get a better idea of what I saw today. Here are my #PowerofMarriage tips for the day: 1. It is a normal temptation for either spouse or service member to disconnect to do the mission. It can sometimes feel like there is little to talk about except the daily grind. I can see the monotony they live in. I can see how everything looks the same every day. Even their minimal Christmas decorations don’t make it really fell like Christmas. I believe most want to hear those details about your day when they have the time, but want understanding from you when they don’t. Do your best to stay connected. Find things to talk about. Schedule things to talk about or work on a book together so you can be growing together. 2. When your service member says they feel safe somewhere, believe them. I know it is hard when they say they are going to Afghanistan, Iraq, Turkey, or anywhere else close to the fight. But a couple of them told me that they not only feel safe in these places, they want their family to believe them. One yesterday in Erbil said he felt safer there than in Baltimore. Again, stay educated and try to relax unless you are told otherwise. 3. It says nothing bad about your marriage if you have someone you trust (not of the opposite sex) that you can vent to and not always take it to your spouse. When you have limited time on the phone, save it for more positive and productive conversations. Resolve conflict quickly. Deployment is a time to take care of yourself too. You won’t be able to help or fix problems your spouse is going through. You both need others to help you.
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Day 3: Erbil, Iraq What We Should Know, But Don’t
Today I got to fly into Erbil, Iraq and spend a lot of time getting to know what deployment is like with our female soldiers there. Seeing deployment living conditions for them was quite eye opening. Not that they were poor, in fact our service members are well taken care of, but there are so many things we are told that they try to describe to us that can’t convey it accurately. Honestly, it has been a challenge to figure out how I could convey them to you in a new way. There are some things that you can only understand when you see them, but there is still a lot to learn. For example, I remember begging Matt to send me photos of where he was living. I appreciated what he sent so I could visualize him sleeping and eating there. The problem with photos is that it is only within a frame. You don’t get a panoramic view of the scope of the land or layout. I have done my best to try to capture pictures of things that stood out to me and surprised me instead of things you may have already seen a lot. So Erbil’s living conditions are a more rough than I expected. Honestly though I didn’t have an expectation to begin with. I am embracing my overall ignorance of a lot of things. Being one military spouse in the Army community, I am continuously reminded with how much I don’t know. Our spouses and families need to be a whole lot more educated! It’s like we need a good history lesson and monthly briefing on what is happening in the world. I am more appreciative than ever of our press that come along on these trips that ask the right questions, think it through, and then form it all into words for our culture’s short attention span to absorb in 30 seconds or less. For heaven’s sake, we are training and sending our service members out to dealwith the evil in the world, we owe it to ourselves to learn about it. I’m especially glad my husband gave me a briefing on Syria a couple months ago, cause I still feel naive. That being said, I was honored to be grouped up with the Secretary’s wife Stephanie Carter and her staff to see a lot of how our soldiers live and spend their down time. We saw their barracks that were tents filled with bunked cots. I can’t imagine sleeping in tight quarters there for 9 months, even though they are nice. The cots were lower to the ground than I expected and you have to roll out of bottom bunk. Going off of yesterday’s conversation, the care package issue of family sending trinkets for their living space made complete sense now. They literally owned a bunk. One woman was thrilled to get a bathmat though where she could at least put her feet on carpet in the morning. When we walked in, it smelled like peppermint. Not because it was a female tent, though, but because it keeps mice away. Snakes are another issue for them getting into the tent. Showers and latrines were interesting with only a curtain separating them from the next stall. When I went to the restroom in the main building the wall didn’t go to the ceiling and I could hear the men on their side talking. The USO was a small tent with a TV getting a poor reception of the Today Show, a barber shop chair and Star Wars playing on another TV. It was filled with books and DVDs, understandably the most comfy place there. The mail room was a friendly as you would think it would be. A truly happy place with Christmas lights, goodies from care packages, and smiling faces when you walked in the door! The gym was also nicer than I thought, though walled with fun house mirrors that were not glass- just in case anyone might want to use broken glass for weapons. I was not expecting that. I honestly didn’t think they would have mirrors, but plastic warped mirrors at least made it look like a gym. Otherwise, gravel, gravel, gravel, gravel. I understand now the appreciation of carpet and bare feet. I saw service member trying to run on the gravel, several of the girls wth me who wore flats struggled slightly through the walk. Even in the room where I joined the press again where there was carpet, I thought about how no one was likely to ever take their boots and socks off and walk around. Hard cold floors, wood platforms, and gravel are about all you will see. Here are my #PowerofMarriage tips for today: 1. Service Members: if you are deployed- take videos (if possible) to give your family a better picture that is more accurate than a photograph. That may sound obvious with today’s technology, but families will only be able to picture exactly what they see. 2. I underestimated the power of “embracing the suck”. Often said by service members who have to live/exist in rough situations, embracing the suck is something that surely changes a person. Perhaps service members get a bad wrap for being cold or brash, not as compassionate when we might think the situation could use it. But the amount of grit and perseverance that is built in one’s character in situations like these can lead a family through the toughest of times. Lean on them during seasons of difficulty. Service members can typically lean on their spouse when an assessment check on the relationships in the home are needed. 3. You are serving and loving your spouse by knowing enough about the world’s events that effect his/her job. You may get weary of hearing what they do over an over, but it is part of a bigger puzzle and plays an important part in the system. Understand as much as you can what is happening in the world so that they don’t have to keep explaining it over and over again. (Sorry, hun) I’ll have more for you tomorrow! Stick around, you never know where I’ll end up next!
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Day 2: Baghdad and Bizarro World
My husband Matt calls the experience of being in theater “Bizarro World.” As I got off the C-17 into the dusty air of Baghdad, I was immediately in just that. It smelled like my husband when he first got home from deployment. (Sorry hun, but its true for all of you!) Granted we were forced to change our plans due to fog that limited helicopter take off. Still, so many things were notable. I hear from soldiers that coming home they are hit by the sensory overload of colors, carpet, and noises. Baghdad is crawling, at least today, with secret service or other security detail. Every door is guarded by at least 2 stern looking men. Outside the tall 10-15 ft cement walls provide weapons security as well as walling off sections that make large alleys to walk to and fro. Outside is nothing but gravel and the sounds of incoming and outgoing aircraft is constant. I can understand why it became Matt’s white noise when deployed, why he “goes to another place” when he hears a bird. Still, I noted that there were indeed, no colors. Much of this trip has included making sure that I am following the group of press so that I am where I’m supposed to be. Today as I was talking with the Secretary’s staff, I somehow got separated from the press. Soon I found myself close to entering a meeting that I was not supposed to be part of. Once we all realized, I was grateful to be walked back to the press group by a friendly security guard/state security who basically looked like special forces in civilian clothes. It actually gave me a great chance to ask him about his assignment here. I think one of my favorite things about all of this is getting to see the branches working together. Seeing the Air Force, special forces, and today our Army doing what they do best. It seems that so many of us live within the community our service member serves in and become incredibly proud of our branch. Seeing them work together is a whole new perspective. We know they exist to work together like a machine, but seeing it happen is different. I have to admit that although we got grounded today, it was not a wash. Talking to the crew on the C-17 and those that work here is enlightening. When I asked what they felt family most misunderstands, they expressed the need to decompress after they come home. They said that doing what they do takes incredible mental and physical energy. Giving them a day to decompress and get their energy back will help so they can re-engage. As I look back, I asked Matt to engage again way too quickly. I asked him to make big decisions before he had recovered. I’ve always told couples to avoid big decisions during reintegration but I know now it’s more than that. In fact, I think back to our reintegration that was so difficult and see that he needed time to rest and heal and I was ready to move quickly- that caused a lot of tension that could have been avoided. A little part of me is healed today because I look back on that experience with new eyes. Talking with troops right before Christmas helped me understand the care package issue. After eating in the DFAC and having tons of options and yet seeing them live minimally- they really don’t have many needs. But that’s the issue, the have all their basic needs (depending on where they are) and are living so minimally they agreed they don’t let their minds stretch outside of that. So a “what would you like for Christmas” gets a “well I don’t need anything.” We decided on items you use up like toiletries, food, and snacks they can share. I know that sounds cheesy, but when you eat the same things everyday or have to order your favorites online- getting them from a loved one is great. Living in small spaces though makes it hard when you keep getting stuff that isn’t disposable or used up. There is simply no room to put those kinds of things out. Here are my big take aways (listen to my journal for an expanded edition): 1. We need to appreciate other branches more, the puzzle fits beautifully together to complete the overall mission- which is fantastic to see! 2. Understand that your service member really may not “need” much during deployment, but they also may not know “what” they want. But that shouldn’t mean we send random box fillers that they won’t know where to put. Above all, a box from home that doesn’t look like grey walls, gravel, and camouflage could be heaven filled with the right things. 3. Military Leaders: you may not be able to send a spouse over seas to paint a picture of what you do, but there are plenty of ways you can show them an accurate picture. Bus them to the field for a couple of hours, tell them (educate them) on the actual mission. Family days, even if it is just your leaders can reduce anxiety and give them a cause to get behind. Some of those may sound simple, but I am trying to take into account the things that are really simple to do that we don’t realize are quite big in understanding your service member. When it was time to fly back, the flight crew of the C-17 brought me up into the cockpit and explained the brevity of this kind of mission involving a VIP. The coordination is incredible. We talked about their families and how much they are excited to be home for Christmas this year. I looked out the cockpit window to see the night sky and the lights of Saudi Arabia in the distance. The handed me night vision goggles (NVGs) and I could see every cloud like it was day and ships on the water. I asked what is the most beautiful thing they see out the window that they look forward to. “Home.”
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Military Spouse Journey Day 1
Hello Air Force! My first day started off with the bright lights of day when it should have been 2am. I got about 4 hours of sleep thanks to the “sleepy pills” the on-plane physician handed out. I am your normal everyday military spouse who happens to be a clinician, but I am going to do my best to share with you what I experienced today. My hope is that I can take this experience and translate it in a way that coffee will encourage you to invest in your marriage. We landed at INCIRLIK Air Base in Turkey which conducts many of the airstrike missions in Syria. US Families (mostly Air Force) are stationed here much like any other OCONUS assignment but because of the rising tensions in and around Turkey and its border with Syria, families have been placed on lockdown and cannot leave base. Many of the families that were here before the lockdown remember what it is like to travel into the city, which makes it even harder. I imagined that many of them feel isolated and trapped. Can you imagine some of the new spouses getting an assignment to Turkey and then finding out they can’t leave the base once here? While here, there was a town hall for military families where they could ask Secretary Carter questions. Most of the questions were on the lockdown, how long it would continue, and would there be an upcoming forced evacuation. Secretary Carter was very encouraging that he did not foresee a forced evacuation and hoped that things would improve. My mission here is to understand what it is like for our service members. Seeing our Air Force in full force was intimidating, in a good way. They are putting in long hours both on the ground and in the air. Many of the spouses here described how much better they understand deployments now that they are watching “at home deployments” play out in front of them. Their service member is tired but determined to complete the incredible mission given them. The threat of ISIS is very real. It already feels real to us there in America, but here our military families can’t even leave base to go into town. The importance of building allies and coalition partners is necessary and our leaders are working hard to do it. It was incredible to see Airmen from Germany, Spain, and Turkey all joining our personnel for the same cause. Some of the coalition airmen stood up to thank our US airmen for their hospitality and how proud they were to be fighting ISIS with us. Turkey was warm for December. Not as hot as it would be in the summer, but the families there are enjoying 70 degree weather. Seeing the city in the distance made me wonder how safe some of the families are out there. One spouse here is Turkish and cannot get off base to see her mother. I can’t imagine who scary that is! Since I am an Army spouse, I have to give a shout out to the incredible power we have in our aircraft. I saw every plane you can imagine lined up, many of them loaded with the bombs that are ready for the next mission. As my heart rumbled in my chest as the fighter jets took off, I couldn’t help but be thankful for what they do and the amount of skill and precision they develop to do it. I totally get it Air Force Spouses- it is pretty incredible to witness. From the moment I stepped on this historic plane, refueling in air, and then visiting Incirlik, I am so proud of our Air Force. My father was a pilot in the Air Force and I feel like I am seeing him in his jumpsuit around every corner. Today’s #PowerofMarriage message is this: 1. The mission our service members are called to do is not only real, but more important than ever. It is a noble cause whether it is to protect our lives or someone else’s. Keeping their mind on the mission is paramount to success in that moment. As hard as it is to let them go and not heap unnecessary stress on them- it is the right thing to do. This doesn’t mean that we don’t communicate. On the contrary, it means that we learn to communicate better, quicker, identifying the root issue so that it can be resolved or processed. Striving not for perfection, but for peace, is not only good for us, but beneficial for them. 2. Our military tempo is very different than it used to be. Deployments aren’t going away, if anything we are adding a new component that keep hearing about from spouses. It is the deployment from home- the long work hours that feel like a deployment. I’m not sure, perhaps some of you would say one is easier than the other. Both are stressful on the relationship. Be intentional with your time together. Decide together how and when you will decompress by setting a specific time and time limit.
